We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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