how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
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I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
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Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
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