i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Randomize
