im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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