You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Reggie can tackle my bush.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
