we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
