i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
