Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
