We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
These tits shall not be calmed
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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