I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Randomize
