The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
