The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
