I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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