Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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