I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
