32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Sorry my hands just texted you
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Randomize
