I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
