I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
