Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I think my vagina is haunted
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
