It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
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I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
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Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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