dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
