im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
