smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
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My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
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I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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