glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
