Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
