you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
