i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
