I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
