Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
He passed out mid-signature
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I stole a fireplace last night.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
