Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
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just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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