Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
