I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
