i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
