Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
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I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
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But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He? As in you personified your dick?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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