well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
