Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
