is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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