Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
