so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
