I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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