my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
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I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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