I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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