Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
