we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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