I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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