Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
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