4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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