I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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