The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
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