There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
