Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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