I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Randomize
