Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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